“A pastor’s primary responsibility is to his family.”
One hears that sentiment expressed so frequently and with such genuine conviction that it begins to feel logically irrefutable, despite the fact that it is clearly at odds with the teaching and example of Jesus. We have no record of Jesus ever telling a potential disciple to go home and focus on his family; rather we find him saying things like:
“Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37-38 ESV)/
Jesus expected undivided loyalty and devotion from his disciples. He also clearly understood that this level of commitment would be disruptive within the family unit. When a potential disciple mentioned having to attend to the needs of a dying family member, Jesus said:
“Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead” (Matthew 8:21-22 ESV).
Not only did Jesus demand this level of commitment, he also modelled it in his own relationships. When his mother and brothers arrived during a time of intense ministry commitment, Jesus was told that they wished to see him and he replied to the man who brought this message:
“Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:48-50 ESV).
Therefore, it would seem to follow that if a pastor understands his primary responsibility as being to his family he is doing so against the clear teaching of the Bible and in contrast to the example of Jesus.
So how did this saying come to pass for accepted wisdom within the church?
It appears to have arisen as a reaction to the perceived workaholism of pastors in the early to mid-20th century. Pastors from the Greatest Generation (1901-1927) were known to work very long hours, often to the neglect of their families. Men in general, in that era, were known as very hard workers, who often assumed that their primary responsibility as husbands and fathers was to put food on the table. Those men lived through the Great Depression and two World Wars. Working 60-70 hours a week for most of them was an act of prudence intended as an expression of love.
Regardless of the reasons for this, most churches today are populated with numerous Baby Boomers who felt under cared for, and even neglected as children. If those Baby Boomers were the children of Greatest Generation Pastors, their experience was likely even more acute. Churches in the early post-war years had to make do with less money and fewer staff than churches today and so the average pastor had to be a jack of all trades. He cut the lawn, renovated the kitchen, catechized the youth, preached the Sunday sermon, did all the counselling and led the mid-week prayer and bible study. The demands of those churches and the background anxieties of those pastors, combined to create a generation of PKs that felt, justifiably, short changed. When those Baby Boomers grew up, they determined to spend more time with their kids. If those Baby Boomers became pastors, they insisted on more support staff, better salaries, more vacation time and fewer nights out. Their children, whom we now refer to as Millennials, talk a great deal about “work/life balance” and have popularized the saying that “a pastor’s primary responsibility is to his family.”
But is that true and is it helpful?
As argued above, the saying is not true, if judged against the standard of what Jesus taught and practiced. It is difficult to imagine how anyone could read the New Testament, study the life and teachings of Jesus, read the Acts of the Apostles and in particular the stories of the Apostle Paul and then declare: “The bible clearly teaches that a pastor’s primary responsibility is to his family.” That is simply not a conclusion that arises naturally from the text. It is a sentiment that arises naturally out of a previous and painful imbalance.
I think it would be better if we began to say that a pastor’s primary responsibility is to Jesus, and he ought to be careful not to pursue any particular aspect of his responsibility at the expense of any other. Jesus expects a pastor to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25), to raise up his children in the fear and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4), to care for his aging mother and father (1 Timothy 5:8), to shepherd the flock of God that has been entrusted to him (1 Peter 5:2), to preach the word in season and out of season (2 Timothy 4:2) and to train up other pastors and leaders who will do the same (2 Timothy 2:2). Each aspect of this mandate is important and the challenge for the pastor in every generation is to balance these concerns in a way that will stand up to the scrutiny of the Master.
I certainly don’t think that I have the magic formula for how best to balance ministry to my family and ministry to my church. I’m sure I’ve made many mistakes along the way. However, in an effort to be helpful to younger pastors starting out I offer the following thoughts and considerations:
A pastor should generally expect to work 44-46 hours per week
I share this as a general “rule of thumb” with all the Assistant and Associate Pastors that we hire here. My rationale usually runs like this: “The members who fund the ministries of this church work 40 hours a week at jobs that are just as hard, and in some cases harder, than ours. We typically ask them to volunteer for 4-6 hours a week here. As such, we need to be prepared to lead by example. We can’t ask others to do what we are not willing to do ourselves.”
Pastors will have a hard time leading working people if they are not willing to work hard themselves.
A pastor should expect to be out 2.25 nights per week
A lot of church ministry happens on nights and weekends, for the simple reason that most people are at work during the day. A pastor who won’t work nights should likely not be in ministry. That would be a little bit like an accountant who insists on taking vacation time during tax season. It simply wouldn’t work. Nights out are part of ministry, but it is perfectly reasonable for a pastor and a church to agree on how often the pastor should be out during the week. We find here that 2.25 nights out per week on average is a reasonable expectation. The “.25” is there to reflect contingencies. I am scheduled for two nights out per week, and then about once a month, something extra and unexpected arises. If this expectation is agreed to ahead of time with the church, and understood and communicated within the marriage, it should lead to less stress and anxiety all round.
A pastor should make good use of his daytime flexibility
While the pastor should expect to be out on some evenings and weekends, he will generally have far more daytime flexibility than most other working parents. A pastor should use that flexibility to serve his family. Drive your children to school in the morning to give your wife a break. Take your son out for breakfast. Take the middle of the day off to coach your daughter’s volleyball team. Get to every class play and graduation. These are things that a regular 9-5 dad can’t do.
Lean into that.
The church should be willing to right size their expectations
Churches should be willing to adjust their ministry expectations to reflect their budget and HR capacity. If a church can only afford one pastor, then that reality must be reflected in planning and program. A church that builds a program that requires the pastor to be out more than 2.25 nights per week and to work more than 45 hours per week has planned for pastoral burnout and a high rate of turn over. You can only do what you can pay for and churches may need to be reminded of that from time to time.
The church should offer starting pastors 3-4 weeks of paid holiday time
A church has every right to expect its pastor to work hard, but it should also do everything in its power to help that pastor recharge. Holiday time can be a great way to facilitate family connections and to prevent burnout. An initial allotment of 3-4 weeks is standard, and there should be an agreed upon policy for adding to that allotment on the basis of longevity within the position. Many churches add 1 week per 5 years served.
In addition to a generous holiday allotment, if there is someone in your church that has access to a cottage or a beach front condo, making that available to the pastor would be an immeasurable blessing. A wise church will do everything in its power to make sure that the spouse and children of the pastor feel blessed rather than robbed by the congregation. If dad is stressed about underperforming as a husband and father, that will bleed over into resentment toward the church.
The church should have extremely modest expectations upon the pastor’s spouse
One of the things I made very clear in my interview with the search committee of my present church is that they were hiring me, not my spouse. My wife is very engaged with our church, but she is under no obligation to be so, and should the needs of our family change, she would be free to disengage without any hesitation or judgment.
This hasn’t always been the case. In generations past the pastor’s wife was expected to play the piano, organize the nursery, counsel women, lead the Sunday School and host regular gatherings in the home. This only exacerbated the feelings of neglect experienced by the children. Dad was working 60 hours for the church and mom was kicking in 35! It’s a wonder anyone survived! A pastor’s spouse should be held to the same standard as any other church member. She should be saved, she should love Jesus, have a good testimony in the community and serve as she is able, depending on her health and stage of life. A church that makes that modest expectation clear – to the pastor and to the congregation – is making a contribution to the mental health and long-term stability of their pastoral staff.
Being a pastor is hard, but it has always been hard and it probably isn’t any harder today in 2024 than it was in 1924. You still have a lot on your plate. You still have a number of balls in the air. You are still subject to unique stresses, and you are still engaged in a task that requires far more than you have to give.
“Who is sufficient for these things?” (2 Corinthians 2:16 ESV)
The good news is that churches tend to be much more understanding with respect to the need for pastors to balance ministry at home with ministry at the church. I have been in ministry for 30 years and I can honestly say that I have never had anyone question or correct me for taking time off to spend with my family. Pastors from previous generations would likely not have been able to say the same.
If I could give any advice to a young married pastor starting out today, I think it would be this: “Have really clear and honest conversations with your wife about what pastoral ministry is all about. Tell her about the nights out. Tell her about Saturday weddings and funerals. Tell her about late night Board Meetings. But also remind her about breakfasts, pageants and plays. Tell her that you will probably be the only dad at 3 pm volleyball practice. Tell her that you love her to the moon and back and that you will work your fingers to the bone to provide for her and the children. But also remind her that every dad has to work hard and every disciple has to answer to the Master. Tell her that you will do your best to balance ministry to your family with ministry to the wider Body of Christ, and promise that you will always listen to her feedback with respect to how you’re doing.”
That’s really all you can do.
Listen to her, talk to your elders, peers, mentors, and teachers and trust the Lord. He will not ask you to do more than he equips and empowers you to do. His grace will be sufficient for you in this challenge.
Praise the Lord!
Pastor Paul Carter
If you are interested in more Bible teaching from Pastor Paul you can access the entire library of Into The Word episodes through the Audio tab on the Into the Word website. You can also download the Into The Word app on iTunes or Google Play.