Parenting is a significant theme in the Book of Samuel. Three of the four major characters have difficulty with their children: Eli, Samuel and David. Ironically, the only major character in the book who seems to have produced a truly great kid is Saul, whose other faults were legion. Reflecting on the book as a whole, the reader may be led to conclude that while parents are not responsible for outcomes, they are held accountable by God for process. Eli’s sons were known to be defrauding worshippers and to be sexually abusing the female servants who worked in the central shrine at Shiloh. While Eli did not approve of what they were doing, neither did he actively restrain them, and for that, he was judged by God. The Lord said:
“I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them.” (1 Samuel 3:13 ESV)
Eli is presented in the story as a good man, but a weak father.
“Restraint” is a key responsibility of all leaders. When Saul is later chosen to be king, the Bible says:
When Samuel saw Saul, the LORD told him, “Here is the man of whom I spoke to you! He it is who shall restrain my people.” (1 Samuel 9:17 ESV)
He it is who shall RESTRAIN my people.
The job of a king is to restrain the rich, the violent and the unstable such that they do not abuse the poor, the weak and the regular citizenry. The job of a parent is to restrain their children from acting upon their most immature, hormonal and peer driven impulses such that they do not do harm to themselves, their peers and their neighbours.
Eli failed to do that.
Samuel experienced difficulty as a parent as well. The Bible says:
When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel. 2 The name of his firstborn son was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba. 3 Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice.
4 Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah 5 and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.” (1 Samuel 8:1-5 ESV)
Interestingly, there is not even a hint of rebuke in the Bible directed towards Samuel in regard to the character of his sons. This serves as a further reminder that parents are not held accountable for the choices made by responsible children. Parents can do everything right and still experience the same kind of disappointment felt by Samuel. The Bible doesn’t hold parents responsible for outcomes, but it does hold them accountable for process.
No doubt the greatest example of parental failure in the Book of Samuel would be the failure of David to restrain his sons, Amnon and Absalom. After his sin in the matter of Bathsheba and Uriah, David was spiritually and psychologically paralyzed for an extended period of time. During this season, his oldest son Amnon raped his half-sister Tamar. David was furious when he heard about it, but he did nothing to punish him. David had been ruined as a father because of his guilt. How could he punish Amnon for doing what he himself had done to Bathsheba? David had become Eli: A man unable to restrain his sons.
Tamar’s brother Absalom, however, suffered from no such inhibition. He began to plot against Amnon and after two full years of watching and waiting, he delivered the fatal blow. He killed Amnon, in cold blood, and escaped to the land of his maternal grandfather.
Once again, David did nothing.
How could he punish Absalom for doing what he ought to have done as King of Israel? Is not the punishment for rape death? Should it not have been his hand that executed Amnon? On what basis then could he punish Absalom?
David’s double failure led to a split, not just in his own family, but also in the nation as a whole.
David’s inability to restrain his children came more from guilt than from weakness, as in the case of Eli. Joyce Baldwin comments here, saying:
“David, though forgiven by God, found himself handicapped by his own past and unable to discipline others; moreover, his own children never came to terms with what their father had done.”[1]
David was burdened with guilt and was conscious of his own lack of moral standing. It was for this reason that he felt unable to restrain his children. But whatever the reason, the outcome was the same as that experienced by Eli.
In the Bible, parents are required to restrain their children. This requirement is based upon the assumption that children are born with a sinful inclination towards the self, an underdeveloped ability to empathize with others and an inability to anticipate the potential consequences associated with their actions. Neurologists today tell us that the human brain is not fully developed in most people until the age of 24. The area of the brain associated with anticipating consequences is the last to reach operational maturity. As such, a developing child or adolescent needs a mature adult, with authority in his or her life to say an occasional NO. They need mom and dad to play Gandolf every once in a while, standing in the path of the dark and sinful desires that arise out of the fissures of the fallen human heart and to say a loud and uncompromising: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
You can call your parenting style whatever you like, but if it doesn’t have a category for that, then the Bible calls it sin and irresponsibility.
The Book of Samuel presents a stark warning to parents who feel disinclined or disqualified from actively restraining their children. It suggests that parents who fail to restrain are likely to produce children who grow up to be self-indulgent, abusive people who are a curse upon their families and communities.
Parenting is hard. We must teach and correct. We must instruct and admonish. We must encourage and restrain. Who is sufficient for these things?
O God help!
Pastor Paul Carter
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[1]Joyce G. Baldwin, 1 and 2 Samuel: An Introduction and Commentary, vol. 8 of Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries. IVP/Accordance electronic ed. (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1988), 300.